Lessons Learnt (pt.1)

1) If you're not into it, get out of it immediately or as soon as you can. The longer you play along, the harder it is to back out of it. The more time passes, the more the truth will hurt.

2) Holy shit, I managed to kind of fake it for 6 years without any considerable talent (by my own admission). If you put in the effort, you can do it. Anything is possible with hard work and sacrifice.

If you could relive your life again, would you?

That is one question commonly asked. From famous people to the ordinary run-of-the-mill folk you see every day, this question would have been posed to them at some point of time in their life, or at least they would have thought about it. Most say no, going for the reason that their past experiences shape them to who they are today, and they wouldn't be where they are without previous happenings, be they good or bad; or something along the line of their past experiences being unique to them.

I couldn't be more of the opposite. Not that my life has been a complete downer. I can distinctly remember the high points of my life thus far, and I can also say that yes, they have impacted my life in some way.  The problem is, I am not too happy with my life right now, and some of these ‘greater moments’ have in fact had a hand in my current state. Then there are the low points, of the moments that make me wish I could relive my life to change them. Being completely honest, they are ultimately all my own doing, which makes me want to relive my life even more.

I should never have chosen to go on the musical path. On the whole, I did not enjoy the experience. Yes, there were the good moments and points that spurred me on, that made me decide to continue on this journey which made me & my relatives proud, that till this day allow some to remember or notice me in a certain manner, and somehow constitute part of my public image. But the root of the problem is that somewhere in the beginning of the journey, I already knew that this was not for me. It was not that I did not enjoy music. I do still enjoy listening to music and occasionally playing it. But doing it seriously and going full-scale megastar mode about it was not something I actually wanted once I found out more about the realities of the music industry. I did dream about making it big at first, and had put in place steady and sure steps that would go a long way into accomplishing that goal. However, far from being ‘allergic to effort’, it was more of practicality that made me think twice. Having already knew what I actually wanted, I still continued and said that going into music seriously was what I had in mind. This is where I would have liked to relive my life. There were various points where I had the chance to put a stop to this, but I still decided to follow through with this journey, for fear of disappointing others. I think it was the moment where I finally put a stop to it and realized how this could have been done earlier that made me regret my decisions even more. Had I done so, things would be vastly different now. Of course, there are some things I have now that would not have been possible without my musical achievements, but I just think that some of it could have been traded off for things I actually wanted, things that would make a different difference now.

I should never have told the manpower personnel that I wanted to be combat fit. I did it out of pride, out of the fact that I did not want to lose out to my fellow peers and be looked upon as inferior. Hindsight is always 20/20, but looking at what I have to deal with now and in the future, I really should have taken the other option given. This is where I would have liked to relive my life. Every day is a constant battle, and wriggling out has its own set of problems as well. I always thought that changing would be easy, and that I could adapt in an instance, but I could not be more wrong. Once again, I really should have taken the easier way out. Had I done so, things would be vastly different now. I would not have to spend every moment thinking about it, and life would be so much simpler.

I should have kept in touch with people more often, or at least made the effort to. Never mind the ‘impossible circumstances’, where it would have been impossible to keep in contact with the other party. Everyone has at least one friend whom they lost contact with. I’m writing about those chances where I had the opportunity to rekindle old friendships, or sustain ongoing ones, but refused to for some reason or another. Over the course of my life thus far, I have had numerous chances to make new friends and meet up with old ones, but mainly for being shy or egoistic totally let these chances pass. Oftentimes, I would simply trot out some lame excuse for rejecting the opportunity, or reject it at the last moment. This is where I would have liked to relive my life. Looking back, the rare times I actually accepted these opportunities, they have more often than not resulted in something good. Maybe it is a due to my own judgmental personality and lack of social skills that led to me rejecting these chances. However, had I taken these chances, I would have greatly improved on the above two flaws. Had I done so, things would be vastly different now. I would not be in such a state now, having to type out this blog post for a start. I would not have to awkwardly dodge people I used to know, or be shy about seeing someone familiar outside.

I should have listened and went to that training, and the many more to follow. Of course I have my reasons for not listening. At that point, I really saw no point in continuing any more, given my significant deterioration, the lack of chances given to prove myself, and the restrains coming from home. Having learnt what happened much later, I really wished I followed through with my commitment. As much as I cannot believe what happened, the advice and plan was there, no matter that it was still in its infant stages. It was one of the few remaining things I still had a passion for, and it slowly unraveled from there. It felt like a large part of me was taken away suddenly. This is where I would have liked to relive my life. All I needed to do was to see it out for one additional month, which would have had no implications should nothing happen at all. It was something I had a strong passion for, but somehow I was reluctant to fight for it. Had I done so, things would be vastly different now. Maybe I should have fought harder for it. Maybe I should have gone for those Monday night classes for a start. Then I would not be in such a state now.

Full of regrets. I really would like to relive my life again. I would take up that chance if given.

Finally a start

There there. At long last I got down to start a blog to pen down my thoughts, reflections, memories and more. Been wanting to get this started quite a long while back, but have always been either too lazy, or somewhere along the line something cropped up. This whole blog will be posted from a pseudonym, but all written here is real. Doubt I will ever reveal my real identity at any point of time, although if you happen to be really close to me, you'd probably guess who I am. Anyhow, I don't expect anyone to actually read this blog; more for me to write something down somewhere, on a safe & comfortable enough platform, to be re-read much later.

So there it is, finally a start.